Everyday struggles

People always comment to me how optimistic I seem or how I don't "look like a cancer patient." Maybe that's because I didn't lose my hair or lose a lot of weight (we had to work hard on that), or maybe it's because my face doesn't appear gaunt and sickly. I guess I got lucky in those departments, but I still can't hide the permament bags under my eyes! In all seriousness though, I really try hard to live life as normally as possible. I'm not one of those people that looks for sympathy and hand-outs. I also don't pull the "cancer card". For me, coping through this challenge is just getting through each day as best as I can, and sometimes that means with help from family and friends.

Sure, I struggle. I have many sleepless nights and it makes my body and mind so exhausted that I can hardly cope (or take care of my kids). I also occasionally have mental breakdowns where the weight of what I'm experiencing and the emotions involved in that come crashing down on my shoulders. I sometimes let doubt and fear creep back into my mind and I think, "Am I really going to be around to see my kids grow up?". But I try to not let the fear of dying destroy my spirit. I have to keep on keepin' on. There is no other option as I see it. I just have to get up everyday, take care of myself and my kids, and live life.

Someone once said to me that even though I have a life-threatening disease doesn't mean that my chances of survival are any less than someone who doesn't. And she is right. Anyone could get in a car crash one day and their life could end in a flash. We just don't know when our "time is up" and we aren't supposed to. If we did, we wouldn't enjoy life to the fullest. I used to be such a "forward thinker", always preparing for the future. Well, I'm learning that isn't always best. We just can't predict the future. I'm learning to take joy in living in the present, even with struggles and all, because there is so much goodness and joy to be had in life. I really feel like despite the circumstances, I have it all. I have a loving and devoted husband, I have 2 beautiful and healthy children, I have a house and food, I have MANY family members and friends with loving arms around me, and most importantly, I have God on my side. There isn't anything in life more important that those things!!!

Maintenance

I just completed my second maintenance treatment-what a doozy. I know it's only a couple of days in the hospital this time, but those 2 days are kinda rough. This go- around I experienced numbness in my arms and hands which was really annoying because it caused me to not sleep so well. I also gained 15 lbs of fluids (which is a lot in 2 days) and that wasn't fun either. The only thing getting me through it is knowing that the recovery is faster. Less than 2 days and I feel "normal" again (which isn't normal but at least functioning).

The other thing that is keeping me going is that the remaining tumor is continuing to shrink. YEAH! As long as that bugger keeps on getting smaller, than I'm that much closer to becoming "cancer free". I know that doesn't mean that I'm out of the woods yet (because for most folks, the cancer comes back), but if it buys me some time at least until another newer treatment breakthrough comes out, then I will remain optimistic about the future. There's nothing I can do to control what happens in the future, so I am trying to just live in the NOW and enjoy life as much as I can under these circumstances. And the other good news is that my blood counts are UP and I'm almost not anemic anymore!

Back to reality (and it sucks!)

We went to Maui as a family last week and it was everything we hoped for and more...spectacular, amazing, beautiful, fun-filled, relaxing, awesome, inspiring, delicious, joyous, and so much more. It was a much needed vacation and break for reality for all of us (but especially me after this past year!). I soaked in every moment, just relishing in the beauty of life and being alive! The only thing that was rough was coming home! Especially because for me that meant getting admitted in the hospital 2 days later. But I am so grateful that we had the opportunity to make unforgettable memories as a family (thanks Mom and Dad!). The best part????

NOT THINKING ABOUT CANCER THE WHOLE TRIP! I JUST FELT LIKE ME AGAIN. SOMETHING I WILL NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED AGAIN!

Off to paradise...

MAUI!!!!! I'm so excited to start out 2011 with family relaxing in one of the world's most beautiful places. There will be much fun to be had and trust me, I will live up every moment!

My therapy

Being in the outdoors is therapy to me. It's funny how easily I forget this too. Last Friday we took our kids skiing. It is always a lot of work with little kids getting gear on, carrying everything to the slopes (including our own gear), teaching them how to ski, picking them up when they fall, getting on and off the chair lift...well, you catch the drift. But let me tell you, it was well worth it. Despite freezing cold temperatures that day, it was a cloudless-blue sky-fresh snow on the trees kind of day. Being in that fresh air, enjoying the beauty of the mountains was everything I needed right then. All my stresses, worries, and concerns went out the door for a few hours. I don't think I thought about cancer at all! I was just basking in the glory of this beautiful day and so happy to be alive!!!

Is 2010 over yet?

Maintenance therapy wasn't as easy as I thought I would be. I thought going from 5 drugs to 1 would be a piece of cake. But those 2 days in the hospital were rough. Maybe it's because they're pumping 5 days worth of that drug into my body in the span of 42 hours?! But the good part is that it is only 2 days which makes it so much easier mentally. Coming home was also brutal because I developed a rash 2 days after being discharged from the hospital and we couldn't figure out if it was a side effect of the drug I was getting, or an antibiotic I had started 5 days earlier for a sinus infection. It turned out to be the latter. Thank goodness. That rash kept me up for nearly 4 nights (right before Christmas) and I have never been that exhausted in my lilfe. I had so many last minute Christmas errands to run on top of that, pack for our weekend trip to UT, and take care of kids. The only reason I got through that week was through "angels" aka friends who offered to help with kids, bring meals, and take me to and from the doctor's office. I'm so blessed. And I know despite my lack of sleep that God was watching out for me and blessing me in these other ways.

Christmas weekend was nice and so great to spend with family, but I was ready for it be over. In fact, I'm ready to kick 2010 out the door. Sure, there were some great highlights and we have been extremely blessed, but let's be honest. 2010 was one for the books, being the hardest year I have endured thus far in my nearly 33 years of life. That includes physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I'm still here alive and kicking. The fight in me will never die. I have too much to live for and too many things that I want to accomplish in my life. Mostly, I want to change lives and help others. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that yet, but I have to hold onto that hope. There is more life to be lived! 2011 better go off with a bang! I usually make lots of goals or resolutions every year, but this year I'm simplifying it. My only goal for 2011 is to kick the cancer out of me once and for all!!!

Scan results

Well, my gut instinct was right. I was really hoping it wouldn't be, but it was. I didn't have a complete response from the biochemo. I still have one tumor remaining (the biggest one), although the good news is that it is still shrinking. Maybe the shrinkage has slowed down, but the tumor isn't "metabolically active". Which is good. My doctor thinks that with the maitenance therapy over the next year I have a good shot of having a complete response by the time I'm done. I have to hold onto that hope. I know the doctor can't predict what will happen, but I have to trust my health and life in his care right now (which is hard for me!) and just keep on truckin'. I also have to remind myself that I've had a very positive response thus far, with 5 of the 6 tumors completely obliterated. That is still good. I have to ignore the risk of recurrence and the statistics. If I get too tied up in that, my spirits are just not what they need or should be. But it is a daily struggle to always remain optimistic and hopeful. And this month has been harder to do so because of how physically exhausted and weak I have felt. I'm hoping as I continue recovering and feeling better, the mental part will also get better.

Now I know why they only do 6...

This last treatment was a real doozy. I mean, it seriously felt like all of a sudden these 6 cycles of biochemo finally caught up to me all in one week. It felt like a semi-truck, a bus, and a freight train ran over my body! Crazy! On top of the sheer exhaustion and overall weakness I was facing, I was also dealing with sinus issues which was affecting my sleep at night. Not fun. And talk about timing, right before the holidays! I had so many things to do, plus take care of the kids. It just wasn't happening!

I'm so glad that the biochemo is over, it has been a rough few months. I have to admit though, I'm not looking forward to scans soon, I just want a complete response and I don't want to be disappointed if I don't have it. Crossing fingers and toes and saying lots of prayers...

I'm back. At least for now.

I've been a terrible blogger lately, for obvious reasons, but with the holidays here, it's only getting harder to keep up. It's been a little rough lately, the fatigue has got the best of me unfortunately. The hardest part is that I have young kids to take care of ON TOP of taking care of myself, and I just want so badly to feel normal and do normal things again. But I know I have to be patient. My doctor, along with some other patients who have gone through the same treatment, have told me that it will probably take 3 months to feel normal again. That seems like an eternity when you have young-ens to care for. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

On top of the fatigue I've been battling with, it's been a tough week mentally too. I'm nervous for the scans coming up, just praying that the last tumor will be completely gone so I won't need surgery. And I just haven't been feeling as positive about things as I normally do, probably because I physically feel so crappy. I just need to get out of this slump so I can move on and concentrate on the "miracles" that have already occurred and that I'm healing. I do know that I have been blessed and that God is watching over me everyday. There are so many good things that have happened in our lives.

This quote has been a good reminder to me this week, "Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." ~Emory Austin

Something to celebrate.

I have officially finished my biochemo treatments. WOO HOO!! I thought this day would never come. My last round was brutal. Lots of throwing up and fatigue. But I don't care because it's my last full week in the hospital!!! I am so ready to start feeling "normal" again (which might take a few months) and not feel weak and tired all the time. I will never take that for granted again. Scans come in mid-December when I start maitenance therapy (which is once for month, 2 days in the hospital and only 1 drug). That's when we will find out how well this treatment worked and if I have a complete response or not. Last x-ray revealed one tumor still, although very small and not active. We are praying that it will be gone though by the time I get scans.

This picture is of me with my brilliant and wonderful doctor, Dr. David Minor, and his nurse practitioner, Christine (who is also wonderful). I took this on the last day, so you can get an idea of how crappy I look by the end of the week (but happy to be done nonetheless!).