Every once in awhile, I have these nightmares of the cancer returning. I wake up, usually in a cold sweat, heart pumping, unable to breathe. I quickly snap out of it and realize it's all a dream, but sometimes it feels so real I'm not sure it was a nightmare or not.
You would think that nearly 5 years out of this, I wouldn't have these kinds of nightmares anymore. But the truth is, they are and probably will always be my subconscious thoughts and fear of this disease taking over my body again. I realize that it's probably normal to have these kinds of thoughts still, but they still haunt me and cause anxiety.
To be completely honest, part of me feels like I'm not "done" yet with this disease, that it will come back. Does that mean it will take my life? I don't know, but sometimes I feel like my gut is telling me that it will return. But then again, maybe that's just my way of preparing for the worst (that's the realist in me).
It's a fine line of balancing both worlds, I've decided. I think I've gotten pretty good at it, but it's still hard. On one hand, I try to live my life as normally as I can, taking good care of myself, living in the moment and not worrying about the future and the unknown so much. On the other hand though, I see so many people around me that are falling victim to this disease and that scares the beejeezes out of me. Am I just a waiting duck? Or by some miraculous reason, am I cured forever?
I try to have faith in God's will and purpose for me, and sometimes, that's the only thing I have to stick to.
