Monday, February 21, 2011

Thoughts on the brain

*Another Stage 4 melanoma patient once told me that he feels like he's just "buying time", waiting for the "inevitable" to happen (death). That depressed me. I will never think that way!
*I know I'm getting better because I feel stronger.
*I really don't like it when people tell me they know someone that had melanoma and died. I know they're just finding a way to relate, but filter your thoughts people!
*My kids are what keep me going everyday. When I am focused on them, and not me, I do better.
*Even though I try to be optimistic most of the time, I do have days where I wonder what my fate is or if the Lord's will is different than mine. That is the conflict that I sometimes struggle with. We just don't know.
*Waiting 3 months between scans is nerve-wracking.
*I will never surrender to this disease. I am way too competitive to let it win. One of the human's strongest instincts is the will to live.
*Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with life, but I'm in this "stall pattern" right now. Out of the loop, in my own bubble that nobody can relate with, and doing the same thing over and over again.
*I'm so grateful for a doctor that knows what he's doing and cares about me. I'm really learning to trust him.
*Knowing that we will have major medical expenses for the next 10 years+ is a huge stress.
*The possiblity of not being here to see my kids grow up is the most painful thought imaginable for me.
*My family and friends are incredible. I don't know how I would get through this without them.
*I wish I had more time in life for yoga, I need it. I just can't find a good place locally.
*I don't have any regrets in my life. Every mistake I've made, every challenge or trial I've had has taught me so much about gratitude, humility, the Lord's plan for me, and life in general.
*Someday I will start a charity/foundation that will help patients access the BEST physicians and options for late-Stage melanoma. I also want it to promote awareness, since melanoma is almost entirely preventable.
*I really try to live as normal as I can under the circumstances that I'm faced with, but it's hard when you look around at your family and friends, who don't have to worry about a life-threatening illness right now. I realize my life is anything but normal.
*I would love to start a LIVESTRONG event in Boise someday.
*There are times that I am overwhelmed with trying to "do it all" to make myself as healthy as possible. I know I do better than probably 90% of the population, but I always feel there is more that I can do.
*I really want to get back on my bike and race again. Someday. First things first, I gotta get through treatment and cancer free!
*My husband is my rock. He is my ying-yang too. Where I'm weak, he is strong. He just has such a good perspective about everything. Gosh I love him!
*I feel like this challenge in my life is for a greater purpose, but I'm not sure what that is yet.

This is me just being real, showing the good and the bad and you know what? It felt better to get some things off of my chest! :)

10 comments:

diarydays said...

You are an extremely strong person. I started following you when I had a melanoma removed, and 20 other suspected moles. You have the right attitude, and when I am down (about anything really)...I come and read your blog. I'm sure you get this alot, that your optimistic, but you truly are something out of this world. You are gonna fight this, and be strong through and all, and when its over! God's plan is the same as yours, we just gotta give him some more credit!

xoxo
S.

Christina said...

S, I can't thank you enough for your comment. It came on a down day (lack of sleep for 3 days and a kid w/ bronchitis will do that to you, all after being discharged from the hospital 3 days ago :) I am so glad that I can somehow uplift people, I feel moved to share my story and be real, but in a way that evokes courage, strength, and optimism. There are too many blogs out there (in my mind) that do the opposite-they evoke fear, doubt, and negativity!

Keep reading, I loved your comment!

heather and fam said...

I love how honest and open you are about your feelings. A lot of people would either sugar coat it or be so negative that you don't want to read about it. Putting your feelings down is probaby good therapy too! You continue to amaze me and everyone who knows you (or has heard about you). I agree with you about your husband and your kids. They make everything worth fighting for and will always be there for you to cheer you up and give you needed strength.
We love you so much and continue to pray for you everyday. Can't wait to see you next month! Love you Heather
P.S. Congrats on the Award. You will have to tell me about it.

Lisa said...

Christina,
For some reason, it feels like a long winter ... we too have been surrounded by sickness, seems like it's going around. You are a gift to the universe with your ability to display both courage and vulnerability. I feel like I'm on the sidelines, cheering you every step of the way -- each treatment -- each new found joy. I'm so grateful we met and just know that we have a mission here in Idaho! Hang in there girlfriend -- you are amazing and beautiful and strong -- you can do this and remember, you're not alone!

Amy said...

Thanks for your blog! My husband is stage 4 melanoma as well and we have a 5, 3 and 9 mo. old. I'm sorry you're going through this too, but I find strength in reading your blog as we face similar fears and concerns. Keep up the good work of your tumor shrinking. How exciting. We do the green smoothies too! :)

Christina said...

Thanks everyone for your uplifting comments, it means so much!

Amy, where are your husband's tumors and what treatment is he doing and where? I will be rooting for him too!

Melaphukanoma said...

A friend just mentioned your blog to me, a fellow stage IV melanoma survivor actually. You really hit home on this post. I can relate to all of it, but for some reason today this really jumped out- Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with life, but I'm in this "stall pattern" right now. Out of the loop, in my own bubble that nobody can relate with, and doing the same thing over and over again.
I need to read your past postings to learn more about you and your journey, but I agree 100% with the positive attitude you work on everyday.
Stay strong and thanks for sharing.
Karen

Jules said...

Seriously girl! You are an inspiration!!! I can't imagine what you are going through and I am sure it feels lonely, like no one understands unless they have been there. You really have such a positive attitude. I gave your blog link to Heidi- you may remember her from p-town stake? She has been fighting cancer too and you both are amazing to me! http://thewrightspot.blogspot.com/

Heather @ Cancer Mommy said...

Oh dear me! You just wrote eerything I think about on a daily basis! Leaving my children is the most difficult thing for me to face. Not just some days, every single day.I love them so much. I fight for them. I wan to see them grow up, go to high school, play sports, go to prom, graduate, marriage, babies, all of it. I am so scared that I am going to miss it.
And I too, will look at people and just think, I dont get it. Look at everything you are missing!! Yet, my life it totally at a stand stil. The uncertainity is really difficult for me. However, I suppose everyone deals with that to some extent. What really gets me is when people whine and moan about really stupid stuff going on in their lives. I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them! Look at everything you have, snap out of it you idiot!! Ahhhh, I feel better now:)

Christina said...

Heather,

Ah, yes, I too relate! But I'm grateful to have the perspective at such a young age. Most people don't get it until they are much older and are facing similar health issues/crisis. Having cancer is both frightening and freeing. The unknown is difficult to face each day, but the perspective gained and the life lessons learned is invaluable. Thanks for your comment and venting! :)