I'm going to be real here. Sometimes I feel all alone. I know that might come as a shock to all of you, but I'm just being honest. The truth is there are two sides to me--the side that looks and feels normal and goes about everyday life keeping busy with a smile on my face. And then there's the other side to me--the side that is scared to death of what might or might not happen in the future. The side that still thinks about the uncertainty of the future and what that holds for me. The fact is I am still a cancer patient and there are a lot of uncertainties. I know and realize that things can change quickly--in a blink of an eye. One day you're on top of the world, and the next you are wondering if you will make it to your next birthday. It is a crazy world to be in.
But I know that life is uncertain for EVERYONE. We don't know what our destiny is or what our future holds and we aren't supposed to. We just have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. It is harder to do that when you are facing a life-threatening illness because the fear of the unknown is magnified ten-fold and staring at you in the face everyday.
The thing is, I KNOW that I'm not alone, in the literal sense that is. I have an army of people behind of me--family, friends, church, community, etc. I also know that I have a Heavenly Father to rely on. But there are times, as I am "wandering inside my head" that I feel trapped. I feel like I can't breathe and the weight of everything lands on my shoulders again.
I think I do a pretty good job "faking it" to everyone around me. Not that I'm not happy, I AM happy. Very happy and very grateful. My life is stressful, but GOOD. I guess I just don't like to complain about my problems or seek pity and I don't want everyone know that I'm struggling at times and feel alone. You know the saying, "Fake it until you make it"? I think I have perfected that.
How do I get over feeling this way? Lots of prayer, pondering, and soul searching. I find that my best moments of reflection are on my bike actually! Just me, 2 wheels, and the open road, and I feel free. The weight on my shoulders suddenly doesn't feel so heavy anymore. I feel peaceful and serene and I am able to have clarity in my thoughts as I sort out my problems.
Life has been a juxtaposition of sorts for us the past few years. On one end, we have been extremely blessed and have seen the Lord's hand in our lives numerous times. On the other, it has been very difficult--we have experienced our fair share of challenges (even other than the whole cancer thing). I know life isn't ever going to be easy, but I woud like to have a little relief from some of these challenges. I want to feel like we are moving forward, and not "stuck". Every night I pray that I can remain in remission for a long time. I know that this disease is likely to come back, but I just want to buy some time.
I apologize if this post is different from what I usually write. But I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real. I would show the strength, the vulnerability, the fears, the frustrations, and the joy in my life. And that, my friends, is ME.