Thursday, August 25, 2011


I'm going to be real here. Sometimes I feel all alone. I know that might come as a shock to all of you, but I'm just being honest. The truth is there are two sides to me--the side that looks and feels normal and goes about everyday life keeping busy with a smile on my face. And then there's the other side to me--the side that is scared to death of what might or might not happen in the future. The side that still thinks about the uncertainty of the future and what that holds for me. The fact is I am still a cancer patient and there are a lot of uncertainties. I know and realize that things can change quickly--in a blink of an eye. One day you're on top of the world, and the next you are wondering if you will make it to your next birthday. It is a crazy world to be in.

But I know that life is uncertain for EVERYONE. We don't know what our destiny is or what our future holds and we aren't supposed to. We just have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. It is harder to do that when you are facing a life-threatening illness because the fear of the unknown is magnified ten-fold and staring at you in the face everyday.

The thing is, I KNOW that I'm not alone, in the literal sense that is. I have an army of people behind of me--family, friends, church, community, etc. I also know that I have a Heavenly Father to rely on. But there are times, as I am "wandering inside my head" that I feel trapped. I feel like I can't breathe and the weight of everything lands on my shoulders again.

I think I do a pretty good job "faking it" to everyone around me. Not that I'm not happy, I AM happy. Very happy and very grateful. My life is stressful, but GOOD. I guess I just don't like to complain about my problems or seek pity and I don't want everyone know that I'm struggling at times and feel alone. You know the saying, "Fake it until you make it"? I think I have perfected that.

How do I get over feeling this way? Lots of prayer, pondering, and soul searching. I find that my best moments of reflection are on my bike actually! Just me, 2 wheels, and the open road, and I feel free. The weight on my shoulders suddenly doesn't feel so heavy anymore. I feel peaceful and serene and I am able to have clarity in my thoughts as I sort out my problems.

Life has been a juxtaposition of sorts for us the past few years. On one end, we have been extremely blessed and have seen the Lord's hand in our lives numerous times. On the other, it has been very difficult--we have experienced our fair share of challenges (even other than the whole cancer thing). I know life isn't ever going to be easy, but I woud like to have a little relief from some of these challenges. I want to feel like we are moving forward, and not "stuck". Every night I pray that I can remain in remission for a long time. I know that this disease is likely to come back, but I just want to buy some time.

I apologize if this post is different from what I usually write. But I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real. I would show the strength, the vulnerability, the fears, the frustrations, and the joy in my life. And that, my friends, is ME.


Kauti Nicholls said...

love you christina. I appreciate your honesty--I know you feel vulnerable when you expose yourself (like this post), but I think everyone can understand you and your situation that much guys have had some uphill battles, I know. I'm not sure why, but apparently the Lord knows you can handle this and that you will be a better person because of it. hang in there! xo

{amy} said...

I know that we don't know each other, but I totally understand what you wrote. I could've written it myself! In fact, I've written similar stuff on my blog. I'm not the one with cancer, but my husband has Ocular Melanoma. It's Stage 2, so there's hope that it'll never spread (his survival rate is somewhere in the 35-45% range, I believe). But I deal with the fear on a regular basis, and especially scan time (every 6 months). Like you, I truly am happy, too ~ but it can be overwhelming sometimes & I "fake it", too. I'm glad you have such a great support system!

Christina said...


You are such a dear friend. I miss living near you guys! :) Thanks for the vote of confidence and your encouragement. It means a lot. I guess I just need those reminders a lot, like EVERYDAY! ;)

I am so glad you found this blog too! Do you guys have a blog? If it makes you feel better, I know a Stage 4 Ocular Melanoma survivor that is 5 years out! Her name is Sue Lescure and she is wonderful and amazing. Her and I have the same oncologist and she goes to Philadelphia every 3 months to visit with her Ocular specialist and get surgery on her eye. Are you Facebook? I could connect you with her if you want.

{amy} said...

I DO have a blog. It's about more than cancer (& sometimes pretty random!), but you're more than welcome to check it out! There's a tab that has our story. The address is I'm not sure if that'll make a link or not, but at the very least you can cut & paste!

It is very encouraging to hear about Sue! 5 years is amazing!! She must go to Wills in PA. I've heard a lot of great things about that hospital. Her name isn't familiar, so I don't know if she's in the same facebook groups that I am or not. I'll take a look, but if you talk to her & she hasn't heard from me, give her my name (Amy Ewing) & let her know I'm on the OMF groups as well as the Eye Cancer group.

Thank you!! :)