Monday, October 29, 2012

To Live

Sometimes I forget I had cancer.  I use the word, "had" because I am hopeful that it will never come back!  I have days where I almost forget what I have been through, days where the "C" word doesn't even pop into my mind at all (tender mercy!).
I can't decide if that's a blessing or a curse.
One one end, it's really quite a blessing to not have my world and thoughts "revolve" around cancer, my mortality, and the unknown future.  To live a "normal" life again is such a gift!
But on the other end, sometimes I wonder, "Do I just not live in reality?",  "Is the cancer going to return eventually, only to take my life?"  Maybe I should think about it more often, not to dwell on the negative emotions, but just to remind myself not only what I've been through and still going through.  Maybe it's good to always prepare oneself for the worse, right?!
I used to say that all I wanted was to be a survivor.
But there really is a difference between surviving and LIVING.  To live implies, that one is living life to the fullest, enjoying every minute of it, even the ups and downs.  Right now, that is what I'm trying to do, I guess.  I just want to live my life. I want to be around to see my 40th birthday, I want to cheer on my boys at their games, I want to see them graduate from high school, I want to see them off on their missions, go to college, get married, and someday have GRANDBABIES! I want to be with my husband, by his side, and continue building our life together, making adventures, and tackling the challenges in life.
There is so much to live for.
May we all not just survive, but LIVE.

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