Friday, November 28, 2014


Every once in awhile, I have these nightmares of the cancer returning.  I wake up, usually in a cold sweat, heart pumping, unable to breathe.  I quickly snap out of it and realize it's all a dream, but sometimes it feels so real I'm not sure it was a nightmare or not.
You would think that nearly 5 years out of this, I wouldn't have these kinds of nightmares anymore.  But the truth is, they are and probably will always be my subconscious thoughts and fear of this disease taking over my body again.  I realize that it's probably normal to have these kinds of thoughts still, but they still haunt me and cause anxiety.
To be completely honest, part of me feels like I'm not "done" yet with this disease, that it will come back.  Does that mean it will take my life?  I don't know, but sometimes I feel like my gut is telling me that it will return.  But then again, maybe that's just my way of preparing for the worst (that's the realist in me).
It's a fine line of balancing both worlds, I've decided.  I think I've gotten pretty good at it, but it's still hard.  On one hand, I try to live my life as normally as I can, taking good care of myself, living in the moment and not worrying about the future and the unknown so much.  On the other hand though, I see so many people around me that are falling victim to this disease and that scares the beejeezes out of me.  Am I just a waiting duck?  Or by some miraculous reason, am I cured forever?
I try to have faith in God's will and purpose for me, and sometimes, that's the only thing I have to stick to.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Seize the day

I think if my life could have a motto, this would be it.  I have always tried to live life to the fullest, but ever since my cancer diagnosis, this motto takes on a whole new meaning.
To me, seizing the day doesn't necessarily mean doing fun, adventurous, grand things everyday. I think it means enjoying the small things in life, the moments that make you stop and express gratitude for this life you live.  Seizing the day is making the most of your life, even during dark times and I believe that we can do that if we choose to focus on the good and not the bad.
The other day it was freezing cold (like 0 degrees, which is freezing for November) and I was picking up the kids from school.  On our way home, we saw a bunch of kids having a snowball fight on the side of the road in our neighborhood.  They were having a great time, despite the freezing temperatures.  My kids urged me to pull over so they could join in on the fun.  Normally, I would've said no (despite the cold weather, didn't we have homework to do?), but this time, I said ok, and so we pulled over and got out of the car.  Before we knew it, we were in the thick of a snowball fight and all of a sudden, it didn't seem cold anymore!  We were only outside for 10-15 minutes maybe, but after we were done, I noticed the happy, flushed faces on my kids (and my own!), and I knew that was a moment that we had chosen to seize the day.  It was such a small thing, and it wasn't grand, but it was a happy moment and one that made me very grateful for many things.
(Happy kids, happy mom.  Life is good.)
I've come to the conclusion that life should be made up of lots of the small moments...where we seize the day and enjoy this gift of life that we are given.