Sunday, September 12, 2010

Down days

Sometimes I think that everyone believes that I'm always positive, optimistic, bearing no negative or doubtful thoughts all the time. But let me tell you, that is just not so. I am human, people! MOST of time, I do feel optimistic about my future and extremely blessed given our circumstances. Really, I have so much to be grateful for. I have everything that I need and everything that truly makes me happy. A loving and devoted husband, two wonderful and amazing children, unbelieveable parents and family members, incredible friends all over, the GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST, and most importantly, a knowledge that God loves me, has a plan for me, and only wants the best for me. When you add in all our temporary needs, we really can't ask for too much more. We have it all.

There are days, which I call my "down days" when I really think about the reality of the situation I'm in. Which leads to all kinds of doubts and fears of the unknown. The question I struggle with the most at times is, "How am I any different from "so-and-so" who gotten taken away from her/his family too early?" We hear and see these tragedies happen all around us. I believe these moments are a wake-up call for us to not get comfortable with life, and realize that life is short and can change in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes I find myself crying myself to sleep or in the shower as I think about the possibility of being taken away from my family too early. I'm only 32 years old! Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be fighting cancer at this stage in my life (or any stage in my life). The thought is too much to bare sometimes. I often doubt my own strength and courage, and even my will to live because I know that the odds are greatly stacked up against me.

Then I realize I'm not a "statistic". I'm a person. I'm an individual and I either have a 0% chance or a 100% chance of living. I'll take that 100% anyday and keep on going. What helps me snap out of my "moments" is reading thoughts, letters, and cards from loved ones. Anytime I'm with my children and engaged in them, I am quickly reminded that I can't be sad for THEM. They are the reason I'm fighting. Or I say a prayer and then immediately feel the calming reassurance that Heavenly Father loves me and that all will be well. These are just a few of the things I use in my "artilerary".

Oh, and one last thing, I love inspirational quotes, so if you have a favorite one, send me some love! :)


The Conrad Family said...

You don't know me but I am a friend of your sister-in-law Salli. I have two quotes that I read often, especially when life's burdens seem to be more than I can bear.
"If you are helpless, He is not. If you are lost, He is not. If you don't know what to do next, HE knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, WHY NOT?" -Boyd K. Packer
"...Heaven's kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens....Bad days come to an end, faith ALWAYS triumphs, and heavenly promises are always kept." -Jeffrey R. Holland
These two quotes have been a strength to me in the last few months as I have dealt with an enormous heartache of my own. I have been impressed reading about your courage and strength. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

teresamindspring said...

Hi. I'm a stranger to you, but I know your sis-in-law Kimi. I think you are absolutely amazing! I'm rooting for you and your family and sending you lots of positive thoughts (my way of praying). I love that you are juicing and doing everything you can to fight your battle. You are wonderfully brave and strong and such an inspiration. You have lots of people in your corner, even some you've never met. :) Keep sharing your story.

Randi said...

Hi-you dont know me but I am a melanoma fighter and found your blog through others. You are an inspiration and your attitude is wonderful. Keep enjoying life. Its okay to be down but when you have kids they usually interrupt any down time your trying to have-hah They are your blessings through this
Thank you for sharing your story-

Kauti Nicholls said...

love you christina. we are thinking about you out here in ky. and saying lots of prayers on your behalf :) I can understand your "down" days. I can imagine the thoughts that run through your head.

Whenever I am letting fears take control of me I hum the third verse of 'How Firm a Foundation.' It's a beautiful song and helps me to feel uplifted and chase away some of those feelings.

“Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

brent said...

Thanks for the blog. I love being able to read what is going on. I want a juicer now. I hope you got the hats before you went back to Boise. If not I can send you as many as you want. I should make a Christina hat. You should design it and pick out the color and yarn. Let me know what you think. We love you hope to see you very soon. Xoxo
Ashley and Brent

Christina said...

I love ALL of these thoughts, quotes, and scriptures! Thank you all of you!

Andy L. said...

I was introduced to your blog by a co-worker who lives in cache valley. I applaud you in your attitude and strength. I too am a stage 4 metastatic melanoma recipient. I have enjoyed reading your blog and getting to know you a little. I appologize in advance, my wife and I are going to become blog stalkers and cheer and pray for you as we take this unfortunate journey together. My blog is Good luck and you are not in this alone. From the looks of it you have an awesome support group. Hopefully, we can help a little by being part of your support group as well. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that the Lord will not give us trial greater than we can endure. Keep the faith, and keep smiling. An understanding friend. Andy.

Lisa said...

"I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music."
-- Billy Joel

"The soul is healed by being with children."
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls."
-- Melody Beattie

You DO share from your heart, and those little boys ARE your source of love and healing ... do you have music that moves you? Maybe we should all send you music too?!
I've known you a short while, but have love and compassion in my heart for you -- sending blessings your way, Lisa B.

kristen said...

I know your sister (Sallie)...I guess she is your sister. I have seen your poster up at Air Bound Gymnastics. And now I have sent this attachment and learned about what you are going through.
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this past January. At this point, surgery is done and the worst part of chemo is behind me. My hair is starting to come back now and I am beginning to feel like the mom, wife, friend, sister, etc... that I was before this all became my life.
I have so much empathy for you and your situation and your family. My thoughts are with you all.
You sound like quite the fighter! I feel like I approached my fight the same way... and I feel like quite a force to be reckoned with now even more. You will be amazed as to what you can take!
I enjoyed reading your posts. You seem amazing!
Kristen Baer

kelly said...

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation and loves this quote by St. Francis de Sales; "The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." I framed it for her & would love to send one to you as well. :) Best wishes to you and your sweet family. You are in my prayers!

Heather said...

Thanks for sharing your experience, Christina. I admire your courage. Here is the quote that has helped me most in hard times: "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."

That is from "Come What May and Love it" by Elder Wirthlin


D said...

My favorite inspirational quote (though I don't know where it came from) is:
Happiness is not the absence of pain but rather the presence of God.
I'm so glad that your treatment is working! Congrats! My prayers are with you!