Sometimes I think that everyone believes that I'm always positive, optimistic, bearing no negative or doubtful thoughts all the time. But let me tell you, that is just not so. I am human, people! MOST of time, I do feel optimistic about my future and extremely blessed given our circumstances. Really, I have so much to be grateful for. I have everything that I need and everything that truly makes me happy. A loving and devoted husband, two wonderful and amazing children, unbelieveable parents and family members, incredible friends all over, the GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST, and most importantly, a knowledge that God loves me, has a plan for me, and only wants the best for me. When you add in all our temporary needs, we really can't ask for too much more. We have it all.
There are days, which I call my "down days" when I really think about the reality of the situation I'm in. Which leads to all kinds of doubts and fears of the unknown. The question I struggle with the most at times is, "How am I any different from "so-and-so" who gotten taken away from her/his family too early?" We hear and see these tragedies happen all around us. I believe these moments are a wake-up call for us to not get comfortable with life, and realize that life is short and can change in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes I find myself crying myself to sleep or in the shower as I think about the possibility of being taken away from my family too early. I'm only 32 years old! Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be fighting cancer at this stage in my life (or any stage in my life). The thought is too much to bare sometimes. I often doubt my own strength and courage, and even my will to live because I know that the odds are greatly stacked up against me.
Then I realize I'm not a "statistic". I'm a person. I'm an individual and I either have a 0% chance or a 100% chance of living. I'll take that 100% anyday and keep on going. What helps me snap out of my "moments" is reading thoughts, letters, and cards from loved ones. Anytime I'm with my children and engaged in them, I am quickly reminded that I can't be sad for THEM. They are the reason I'm fighting. Or I say a prayer and then immediately feel the calming reassurance that Heavenly Father loves me and that all will be well. These are just a few of the things I use in my "artilerary".
Oh, and one last thing, I love inspirational quotes, so if you have a favorite one, send me some love! :)