Is 2010 over yet?

Maintenance therapy wasn't as easy as I thought I would be. I thought going from 5 drugs to 1 would be a piece of cake. But those 2 days in the hospital were rough. Maybe it's because they're pumping 5 days worth of that drug into my body in the span of 42 hours?! But the good part is that it is only 2 days which makes it so much easier mentally. Coming home was also brutal because I developed a rash 2 days after being discharged from the hospital and we couldn't figure out if it was a side effect of the drug I was getting, or an antibiotic I had started 5 days earlier for a sinus infection. It turned out to be the latter. Thank goodness. That rash kept me up for nearly 4 nights (right before Christmas) and I have never been that exhausted in my lilfe. I had so many last minute Christmas errands to run on top of that, pack for our weekend trip to UT, and take care of kids. The only reason I got through that week was through "angels" aka friends who offered to help with kids, bring meals, and take me to and from the doctor's office. I'm so blessed. And I know despite my lack of sleep that God was watching out for me and blessing me in these other ways.

Christmas weekend was nice and so great to spend with family, but I was ready for it be over. In fact, I'm ready to kick 2010 out the door. Sure, there were some great highlights and we have been extremely blessed, but let's be honest. 2010 was one for the books, being the hardest year I have endured thus far in my nearly 33 years of life. That includes physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I'm still here alive and kicking. The fight in me will never die. I have too much to live for and too many things that I want to accomplish in my life. Mostly, I want to change lives and help others. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that yet, but I have to hold onto that hope. There is more life to be lived! 2011 better go off with a bang! I usually make lots of goals or resolutions every year, but this year I'm simplifying it. My only goal for 2011 is to kick the cancer out of me once and for all!!!

Scan results

Well, my gut instinct was right. I was really hoping it wouldn't be, but it was. I didn't have a complete response from the biochemo. I still have one tumor remaining (the biggest one), although the good news is that it is still shrinking. Maybe the shrinkage has slowed down, but the tumor isn't "metabolically active". Which is good. My doctor thinks that with the maitenance therapy over the next year I have a good shot of having a complete response by the time I'm done. I have to hold onto that hope. I know the doctor can't predict what will happen, but I have to trust my health and life in his care right now (which is hard for me!) and just keep on truckin'. I also have to remind myself that I've had a very positive response thus far, with 5 of the 6 tumors completely obliterated. That is still good. I have to ignore the risk of recurrence and the statistics. If I get too tied up in that, my spirits are just not what they need or should be. But it is a daily struggle to always remain optimistic and hopeful. And this month has been harder to do so because of how physically exhausted and weak I have felt. I'm hoping as I continue recovering and feeling better, the mental part will also get better.

Now I know why they only do 6...

This last treatment was a real doozy. I mean, it seriously felt like all of a sudden these 6 cycles of biochemo finally caught up to me all in one week. It felt like a semi-truck, a bus, and a freight train ran over my body! Crazy! On top of the sheer exhaustion and overall weakness I was facing, I was also dealing with sinus issues which was affecting my sleep at night. Not fun. And talk about timing, right before the holidays! I had so many things to do, plus take care of the kids. It just wasn't happening!

I'm so glad that the biochemo is over, it has been a rough few months. I have to admit though, I'm not looking forward to scans soon, I just want a complete response and I don't want to be disappointed if I don't have it. Crossing fingers and toes and saying lots of prayers...

I'm back. At least for now.

I've been a terrible blogger lately, for obvious reasons, but with the holidays here, it's only getting harder to keep up. It's been a little rough lately, the fatigue has got the best of me unfortunately. The hardest part is that I have young kids to take care of ON TOP of taking care of myself, and I just want so badly to feel normal and do normal things again. But I know I have to be patient. My doctor, along with some other patients who have gone through the same treatment, have told me that it will probably take 3 months to feel normal again. That seems like an eternity when you have young-ens to care for. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

On top of the fatigue I've been battling with, it's been a tough week mentally too. I'm nervous for the scans coming up, just praying that the last tumor will be completely gone so I won't need surgery. And I just haven't been feeling as positive about things as I normally do, probably because I physically feel so crappy. I just need to get out of this slump so I can move on and concentrate on the "miracles" that have already occurred and that I'm healing. I do know that I have been blessed and that God is watching over me everyday. There are so many good things that have happened in our lives.

This quote has been a good reminder to me this week, "Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." ~Emory Austin