Monday, June 27, 2011

Rollercoaster ride

Anyone that has had cancer knows what a physical and emotional rollercoaster ride it can be. One day you're feeling good, hopeful and optimistic, and kicking some cancer a%# and the next day you are faced with the reality of what this disease can be to so many (or MOST in my case), and once again doubtful and fearful of your fate...

Fortunately, the last few months I have been riding UP the rollercoaster and what a blessing that is!

Physically I feel the best I have felt in a year, emotionally I feel strong and ready to face anything. But then I wonder, when is the ride going to peak and start rolling downhill again? Am I going to hear bad news again? Am I going to feel my heart beat inside my head from the anxiety as I start the pain-staking process of researching and debating treatment options and next steps? Am I going to wonder what my future holds? Am I going to doubt that I will be around to see my kids grow up or even see my 35th birthday?

A big part of me feels like this treatment is going to work (or at least put me in remission for a good while) and I will be able to continue enjoying life and feeling good. But then there's a small part of me that thinks that this isn't over, that there is a next step in the near future. Am I dooming myself to have these thoughts?

I don't know.

All I know is that I need to rely on God no matter what happens. I need to trust in Him and His plan for me. I need to take a deep breath, take one day at a time, and put one foot in front of the other. That is the only way to do it, as I see it. I also know another thing-and that is that I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. I have never just "quit" anything in my life. I am way too determined, too strong-willed, and too competitive to let this disease win. I know I have the ability to survive, both physically and mentally. It's just up to the Big Man upstairs to keep me here.

I wonder if some people think I'm in complete denial of my disease or my so-called-prognosis. Some might think that I'm completely ignorant or "live in a bubble". What do I say to those nay-sayers?

I'll show you. I won't be a statistic. I WILL BE A SURVIVOR! Miracles never cease and I am already proof of that.

Let's hope this rollercoaster ride doesn't have too many "big drops", "loop-to-loops", or "cork screws" anytime soon. I kinda like where I am at right now!

1 comment:

Emily said...

Ahh the roller coaster! We have a love hate relationship with it. I wish there was something we could do to ease the anxiety for you. I am reading the blog of "melanoma mom" and I think you should also if you arent already - And just like you, she has a great perspective on life and melanoma. You are not in a bubble or in denial! You are a brilliant, BAD ASS melanoma kicking woman. You wont "be a survivor" - BECAUSE YOU ALREADY ARE ONE.