This subject is a hard one for me to talk about sometimes, but one that I feel is important for me to open up and write about. My husband and I will not be having any more children of our own. Now I say this, but I also know that you "never say never". And I do believe that miracles happen! So, let's just say that we would not CHOOSE for me to get pregnant again... ;)
When I found out that my cancer came back in Jan 2010, we went to several doctors, oncologists that specialized in melanoma, to get opinions on treatments and next steps. It was a grueling process in itself. Upon learning my medical history and original diagnosis with melanoma when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with #2, every doctor pretty much told us that I SHOULD NOT get pregnant again. Why? Well, for one, when you're pregnant your hormones are all over the place and two, your immune system is suppressed. Because melanoma is directly influenced by the immune response, there is reason to believe that getting pregnant AGAIN for me would mean that the cancer would most likely return. This should especially be considered when you are late-Stage and your risk of recurrence is already very high. This would obviously be a very bad and frightening scenario, hence the reason we have chosen against any more pregnancies.
At the time we were dealing with the painful news of not having any more children, we were also amidst figuring out treatment options, which made it even more emotional for me. This news was very difficult to grasp because we had wanted and planned for more children in our family. When everyone around me was telling me, "Well, at least you have two children", I was thinking differently--that this beautiful experience, righteous desire, and miracle of life was being taken away from me. Sure I was grateful for my 2 boys, but the fact is, I didn't feel or plan to be "done". Funny how plans often don't work out how we want them to!
I have now moved forward and accepted this fact, but sometimes it is still hard. Being in my early 30's, it seems like everyone around me is pregnant and having babies. Of course, I am happy for them and delighted that they are blessed with that opportunity! But there are times when I yearn for that myself too, and when I think about never experiencing pregnancy again, it still brings back those raw emotions...
My goal now is to someday adopt. My husband is open to this too, but wants our focus right now to be on keeping me healthy (and in remission) and taking care of our family. And I fully agree. If we adopt, it won't be for a long time, but I can't help but sometimes think about it and wish for it. I think it is healthy for me to think and plan for this in the future, because it makes me think that I will still be here! In the meantime, I am putting the majority of my thoughts into being here now and being the mother of Austin and Carson because they are what matter most.