Sunday, September 4, 2011

Someday...



This subject is a hard one for me to talk about sometimes, but one that I feel is important for me to open up and write about. My husband and I will not be having any more children of our own. Now I say this, but I also know that you "never say never". And I do believe that miracles happen! So, let's just say that we would not CHOOSE for me to get pregnant again... ;)

When I found out that my cancer came back in Jan 2010, we went to several doctors, oncologists that specialized in melanoma, to get opinions on treatments and next steps. It was a grueling process in itself. Upon learning my medical history and original diagnosis with melanoma when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with #2, every doctor pretty much told us that I SHOULD NOT get pregnant again. Why? Well, for one, when you're pregnant your hormones are all over the place and two, your immune system is suppressed. Because melanoma is directly influenced by the immune response, there is reason to believe that getting pregnant AGAIN for me would mean that the cancer would most likely return. This should especially be considered when you are late-Stage and your risk of recurrence is already very high. This would obviously be a very bad and frightening scenario, hence the reason we have chosen against any more pregnancies.

At the time we were dealing with the painful news of not having any more children, we were also amidst figuring out treatment options, which made it even more emotional for me. This news was very difficult to grasp because we had wanted and planned for more children in our family. When everyone around me was telling me, "Well, at least you have two children", I was thinking differently--that this beautiful experience, righteous desire, and miracle of life was being taken away from me. Sure I was grateful for my 2 boys, but the fact is, I didn't feel or plan to be "done". Funny how plans often don't work out how we want them to!

I have now moved forward and accepted this fact, but sometimes it is still hard. Being in my early 30's, it seems like everyone around me is pregnant and having babies. Of course, I am happy for them and delighted that they are blessed with that opportunity! But there are times when I yearn for that myself too, and when I think about never experiencing pregnancy again, it still brings back those raw emotions...

My goal now is to someday adopt. My husband is open to this too, but wants our focus right now to be on keeping me healthy (and in remission) and taking care of our family. And I fully agree. If we adopt, it won't be for a long time, but I can't help but sometimes think about it and wish for it. I think it is healthy for me to think and plan for this in the future, because it makes me think that I will still be here! In the meantime, I am putting the majority of my thoughts into being here now and being the mother of Austin and Carson because they are what matter most.

4 comments:

Martha said...

Thanks for sharing this sensitive part of your journey. There are many of us Melanoma warriors in our 20s and 30s and I think we all face this in some way. I am 31 and stage 3 and also have two beautiful children. I actually had a hysterectomy about a year before my Melanoma diagnosis in 2009 due to some other health complications, but like you, my choice to have more children was essentially taken away from me before I was ready. I too had planned to adopt, but we are holding out for 5 years of NED before we'd seriously consider it. Right now, I'm at about a month NED, so we've got some time. :) Anyway, I don't mean to ramble, but wanted to thank you for sharing and let you know you are not alone in your feelings.

Christina said...

Martha,

It's nice to know that there are other people out there experiencing the same emotions...I am in the same boat as you, just barely in remission, so it will be a long time before we consider adoption.

And ramble on, I love it! ;)

Emily said...

Though I am not a cancer survivor I do know a little about that choice. Due to some of my medical issues we chose to adopt our second child. Just wanted to let you know on the positive side that adoption can be awesome. Our daughter is such a wonderful addition to our family and I forget she is adopted all the time. Plus we have a really special relationship with her birth family which just adds to the joy. I love that adoption is part of our family and I try to be an advocate for it as much as I can because of the way it has blessed our home.

Heather said...

Thanks for sharing. I love how real you are in writing to us all. It's beautiful too see the ups and the downs in our journeys.